Consumed

The loneliness creeps in at night, unwanted, uninvited, unbothered and frightening, yet we’re familiar, the uncomfortable feeling that sets in, but I lay with you and you know my every secret, every ache, the tingly feeling running through my now dampened skin because I’m afraid to lay with my loneliness and yet I do this every night.

I don’t know the warm feeling, the feeling of having someone, even something to ease my nerves, but I know you, I know you who destroys my sleep, who watches my body clench in fear of my life, my heart, my regrets, if not you? Do I drink a little more or pop another pill? How do I stop you from invading my peace? How do I stop you from drowning me in guilt and sorrow? You draw my tears until I’m dry, you scare my soul until I sweat, you enter my dreams and I’m trapped in fear.

I beg you to leave, but you can’t because I created you, I feed you all my pain and now you’re more than me, more than what I can control.

The devil on my shoulder

This pain I endure, I accept because I’m told, “It’s his plan.”

But was it his plan to feel the shivers run through my spine when the devil on my shoulder manifests its strongest poison?

I swallow and gasp, why did I accept that?

Do I intentionally sabotage myself because I have no control over my impulses

Do I not know the wreckage I’m wrestling out of only to sink deep back into like it’s quick sand?

I want to learn but I’ve lost my faith, I guess my mind was vacuumed of all positivity

I guess this is a 3am thought

When the light shines through my window, I’ll be young and naive again

Not for long, just while my shoulder has no occupants.

I closed my eyes and I saw nothing.

I write to you, to you who break into homes of innocent people and instead of taking what you desire, you beat them, you try killing women, while their young watch from the inside of a wardrobe praying that their father comes in and saves them, I write to you, you who came into my home and held my parents at gunpoint, I write to you who would probably never know how it feels standing two feet away while your mother is getting beaten with a firearm.

Do you know how it feels being paralyzed with fear? Your legs won’t move, your hands can’t reach for the phone to call the police, it’s fight or flight but you know you need to fight but your brain already boarded the plane. I write to you, can you imagine 4 men in your home and you don’t know if they’re gonna break your door and shoot you or if you’re gonna open a door and find every loved one covered in blood.

I write to you, you who traumatized us, all crimes are wrong, but to hurt our women, to scare our children, you have destroyed our trust in this South Africa. I pray that the lord so good to have his hand over us during this trying time, I pray that same hand will open your eyes and make you realize that you can’t keep hurting women and children, stop, please.