I’m disappointed for being too “respectful” the kind of respectful that had me stuck in situations where I accepted the outcome because I didn’t have strength to overcome it or I just didn’t have faith that there’s any chance that I’d get out of my situation.
It breaks me and steals a little of my faith everytime I write this but the words that do laps around my head will always be “be still and be quiet, it’s you and nothing ever works out for you”
I remember rapidly losing weight, I went from 58kgs to 47kgs in less than two months, my iron became very low and I just didn’t have much energy to be productive. I tried eating but I still didn’t put on weight but because of people making me think that being thinner was better I convinced myself to suffer in a body that can barely survive, it’s always society that paints you a picture of how things should be even when it’s wrong.
We dive more into 2019 where I just kept dropping weight and began getting these jerks or shivers from time to time, I didn’t take much thought into it because everyone said “wow, you lost weight and you’re looking so much prettier.”
It was July when it finally hit me, I’m not safe and something was going wrong, I remember walking pass a lake with my younger sister and asking her if she also saw these stars and snakes flying around from time to time, these “shadow looking kinda things” and she looked at me asking me “Are you gone mad?”
Well that’s the last I remember after waking up covered in my own blood, flat on the ground surrounded by people and my brother in law asking me “Are you okay?”
Well of course I’m okay because I was walking around perfectly but why is there blood all over my jeans, why are both my knees bleeding? Why is there blood all over the floor and why am I tasting blood?
He looked at me in shock and said “you’re okay” but I heard someone calling the ambulance and I shouted “WHAT HAPPENED?” They said you just fell and bust your lip, nose, knees and you have some bruises on your fingers. I asked to look at myself and I couldn’t hold back the tears, my lips were slit in half, my nose bleeding, my front tooth loose and about to fall out and everytime I asked what happened I just received a weird look like no body wanted to stress me.
I then found out that I had a grand mal seizure, an epileptic attack. I went two weeks unable to talk properly, unable to eat, I had to stick to liquids and till today I can’t bite using the front of my mouth because I’m afraid that my tooth might fall off because I haven’t yet gone for my root canal, my lip has a bump on it which will remain here forever and I had to limp and walk for a few weeks but that’s not where it ends.
In August I had my second seizure in campus, I didn’t receive any injuries and I was taken care of during the seizure however I was still recovering from my injuries in July. As much as all this really affected my self esteem and I lost faith and trust in myself, it doesn’t seem to get easy.
A few days after my seizure I began teaching practice, I made it aware to the school that I have low iron and I’ve been having seizures, I’m very shaky and due to my tooth being loose, some of the words I say don’t come out clearly, my writing will be untidy because I’m very weak but I will try my best.
It’s days like these where you see the lack of humanity and understanding, due to my illness I was taken out of the school because they believed I’m sick and physically incapable, they believed my writing was too untidy and I’m not good enough because of my health and this has delayed my degree and it breaks my heart till today that they wanted me to keep quiet and accept that I was taken out of the school due to my health, it breaks my heart that I’m unemployed and I now have to pay to study an extra year.
I feel as if it’s time that women stand up and voice their opinions; express their feelings and make it known when they’re being taken advantage of, make it known that they’re not sheep and will get things done given the opportunity, that things shouldn’t be taken away from us because of our health, that we’re strong and will succeed no matter how difficult things are and I know even with my physical health being testing, I would have succeeded in all I did if I was given the opportunity to try and not just taken away from it because they didn’t have any faith in me.
I’m now on medication and I’ve put on a lot of weight and things have been much better for me, it’s safe to say I’ve learnt to be healthy and not worry about the opinions of others.Continue reading “Be still, be silent.”