Where did he go?

I used to think my dad was a good man but would a good man beat his wife while dying of COVID? I know pain can create a monster but it also created a mad man

I used to think the only man I love was a good man but he showed me even the best can hurt you the worst.

I’ve been beaten and raped by a bad man, but men can be bad in different ways, like cheating on a pregnant woman, like choosing what’s easy instead of trying hard to make it work for your family.

Where did he go? The one I knew I could count on when everything fell apart, the one who knew the pain men caused me and promised it won’t be the same. I never really needed to be fixed, I needed to be loved.

After all the disappointment I’ve been in my almost 30 years, this was the sharpest knife and the deepest stab in the back because learning the worst heart break and betrayal could come from the one you felt safest with, you don’t recover from that.

It turned me into the mad man I call my father, the man who loved and was taken advantage of, he who is possessed by anger and self hatred, he sits peacefully in his room asking himself why did they replace me and he comes out with red in his eyes and strikes the woman he thought was perfect because even after years of choosing her, she chose someone else for the thrill of it.

But I’m my father now, I’m consumed and marinating in a mix of anger, depression and chaos, where my emotions are turning into cocktails of disaster and I have no control over my heart because it bleeds at the very thought, “he doesn’t love me”

He loves someone who won’t do half as much for him, why does he not want me?

He chose someone who already loves someone else, why does he not want me?

He showers her with affirmation while she gets it from other lovers, why doesn’t he fucking want me?

I’m a zombie and I don’t say brains brains brains, the only thought that has consumed my very night and day, that turned a once happy woman into an image that brings so much pain when staring into a mirror is, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want you.

Where did he go? After all this I want him to come back, why is my desperation for someone that may not even exist stronger than my will to live? Is it the need to give our child the family I once desired but never had? Is it a love that I should have conditioned but decided to keep forgiving mistakes so I could spend my life with a man who is now a ghost?

Where did he go? I just wanna know. Why do I love someone who isn’t here anymore?

This is it.

All my life I craved their approval, I wanted their attention, I wanted to be in their presence, whether it earned me an insult or a coffee poured on me, I got their attention, didn’t I?

0-12 years, who am I to them but the ugly sister? The black sister? The pig sister? The one they’re embarrassed to introduce, the one who smells, the one who acts like an animal.

12-19, I’m the wild one, the dumb one, the depressed one, the suicidal one, the failure, the slut, the waste of time, the disgrace?

20-25, I’m the drug addict, the fat one, the whore, the black one, the desperate one, the useless one, the waste of money?

25-30, The one who ruins lives, the whore, wild, sickly, fat, ugly, going nowhere in life, useless mother, not their blood, not good enough, the hated one, the filthy one, the one who will rot in hell.

But I still wanted approval, the acceptance, the glimmer of hope that despite the heart wrenching pain they caused, I’ll be apart of their world, so I’ll take it, I’ll take it until I’m in a dark place, where the echoes of their remarks full the emptiness of the room, but still I forgive them because I hoped they’d be the one to open the door and let light in.

But now 26-30 years, you can’t force family to love you even though you’re connected by blood, it took me years of ridicule and loneliness to understand that I am strong, that the hatred poured onto me in every stage of my life shaped me into something resilient, I’m a pyramid that will stand strong through any obstacle, I’m the seed that grew into a flower with the dirt thrown at me and every time I felt like I was drowning, I was learning to swim, to swim away from toxicity, from loneliness, from the need for approval, from people who bring me pain instead of joy.

All my life I wanted approval but that’s over, now I wish them well.

It happened

Sometimes you watch yourself live a life you never wanted, you see everything you strived not to be become your reality, you watch the pieces crumble to the surface where you lie helpless and alone, everyone you thought would lift you back up, pointed fingers and laughed as if you’re a caged animal in the towns circus, am I beyond repair or really caged and locked into this mess? They laugh, they judged, they don’t throw tomatoes at the show but they threw stones, they watch in anticipation to see your next downfall, but who are they? The ones we love, the ones who said “through it all”, “I’m here for you”, the ones who lived the same reality but hypocrisy is a disease they don’t realize they have, who am I? I’m the one who became everything I didn’t wanna be, I’m the one who watched the life I built fall to pieces, but I am not just the mistakes I’ve made, I’m the one who got back up when there was no hope, I’m the one who rebuilt my foundation with the same broken tiles, while the crowd stood there waiting for another thing to judge, I changed the story, from broken to breakthroughs, it happened, but it didn’t last. So when you talk about my flaws, faults and failures, talk about the other F’s

My FAITH, my Fortitude and my FEARLESSNESS.

Consumed

The loneliness creeps in at night, unwanted, uninvited, unbothered and frightening, yet we’re familiar, the uncomfortable feeling that sets in, but I lay with you and you know my every secret, every ache, the tingly feeling running through my now dampened skin because I’m afraid to lay with my loneliness and yet I do this every night.

I don’t know the warm feeling, the feeling of having someone, even something to ease my nerves, but I know you, I know you who destroys my sleep, who watches my body clench in fear of my life, my heart, my regrets, if not you? Do I drink a little more or pop another pill? How do I stop you from invading my peace? How do I stop you from drowning me in guilt and sorrow? You draw my tears until I’m dry, you scare my soul until I sweat, you enter my dreams and I’m trapped in fear.

I beg you to leave, but you can’t because I created you, I feed you all my pain and now you’re more than me, more than what I can control.

The devil on my shoulder

This pain I endure, I accept because I’m told, “It’s his plan.”

But was it his plan to feel the shivers run through my spine when the devil on my shoulder manifests its strongest poison?

I swallow and gasp, why did I accept that?

Do I intentionally sabotage myself because I have no control over my impulses

Do I not know the wreckage I’m wrestling out of only to sink deep back into like it’s quick sand?

I want to learn but I’ve lost my faith, I guess my mind was vacuumed of all positivity

I guess this is a 3am thought

When the light shines through my window, I’ll be young and naive again

Not for long, just while my shoulder has no occupants.

Follow the white rabbit

Do you know how I stay awake wondering where did I go wrong?

While you sleep peacefully

My skin begins to crawl

I toss and turn till I feel no more

Numbed by my addiction

A pill, a needle, a bottle

I’m not me, anymore

Do you know how I lost myself?

I can’t recall

I guess I chased the white rabbit

And fell into a hole

I try to crawl out but I can’t fight anymore

I lay in my despair

No hope for me at all

Take me back.

It feels like your heart just sank, shivers run up your body, you feel a rush of tears, you hear your heart race, your palms sweat, you hear a buzz in your head like you’re blank. That’s when you know, your heart just broke.

As a child you look at the world in bright colours, you see the good in every situation and the only time you ever cried was because you scraped your knee or because you wanted your mom and dad. Little did we know the harsh reality that comes with age, I see more black and blue, I cry even more than I should, I want to cry for my mom and dad but not because I miss them.

The truth is, we always wanna believe that things get better with time but sometimes more damage takes place in time, I wanna wake up one day and hear birds chirping and admire the blue skies, I wanna wake up one day and know my parents still love each other, but that’s a night sleep away, there’s no birds but loud screams and devious whispers, my skies are filled with black clouds and I’m scared to wake up in a house where a broken family now lives.

I’m afraid to be alone .

No I’m not scared of the dark or of ghost, I fear myself and what I haven’t yet fought, I’m alone which means war, war with the thoughts I’m afraid to become reality, thoughts that eat away all my happiness like death eaters, thoughts that remind me of my every failure.

You can hide from your saddest thoughts but they always come back to consume you, you’d do everything to avoid the reality it wants you to believe, you’d even try ignoring it to pretend you didn’t see this pattern before but deep down, you did. It may have been years ago but you’re never fully ready for that trainsmash.

I’m afraid to be alone because my thoughts may consume me, they’ll show me the bitter end and all my fears magnified, I’m scared to be alone because that gives me time to analyses what I’m given, I’ll destroy myself before reality decides to destroy me.

We need to change

We wait everyday for new cases, news stories that break your heart and make you want to be religious even if you haven’t pray in years, where racism doesn’t end and women are being beaten to death, where children are being murdered all for the purpose of sacrificing a child for good health or prevention from a virus.

What’s wrong with the world? Why do we go against each other when we all should be helping each other, why do we do more wrong when we’re all in panic and should be doing more good? Why is a pandemic a joke and why are statistics just numbers when they should be known as people’s lives, loved ones, family and friends?

Why are women bleeding from their eyes and nose when they should be taking care of their family? Why are children being thrown into fields when they should have been protected by the people who murdered them? Why are police killing people who aren’t fighting back?

This pandemic is an eye opener, the earth heals when humans stay home, animals are safer and happier when we don’t interfere with them, people are bad, people can be in experiencing the most difficult time of their lives and they still won’t have a good heart,

Are there any good people?

It’s been 4 months into lockdown, I could have been blogging and spending time doing something I love but how did my lockdown begin?

It starts with the South African crime rate, where people think it’s okay to take from others, even if these “others” are financially unstable and have a lot of health issues, it’s not the poor stealing from the rich, it’s the criminals stealing from good people. I remember rushing home to find my door broken in half, my clothes scattered on the tiled floor, they touched everything I owned even placing their hands on my underwear and climbing onto my bed, I lost a lot of material but I also lost the security and the feeling of being safe in my own home, all because 3 men decided to break gates and doors in my house, take all I owned and leave, I’m unemployed, I’m a student and my parents don’t have much money. We go into lockdown a few weeks later, when I didn’t have time to get a phone or laptop for online classes, not just because of lockdown but because they took all my savings.

Fours months later and I’m still trying to sleep without jump scares, I’m trying to be comfortable in my own home, I’m just praying that they don’t come back, I have nothing but I’m alive, alive in a place that is cruel, that is selfish, a place not meant for good people.